The More Things Change
by NobleD93
Summary: FUNNY! This is a collection of hilarious one-shot chapters for comedic purposes and experimental fluff. Chapters are random and has no timeline. DorianxM!Lavellan Chapter 2: Ghost Stories.
1. Rescue Mission Fail

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Dragon Age Series.**

 **Summary: This is a collection of one-shot chapters for comedic purposes and experimental fluff.**

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 **Chapter 1: Rescue Mission Fail**

"Well… Shit. How did we end up like this again?" Varric asked. He certainly recalled an event that was embarrassing as this before. Maybe it was that time when he and Daisy got lost in the halls of dungeon trying to save Hawke.

"Ohh, I don't know…" The Tevinter mage let out a defeated sigh. He hoped the dwarf would drop it, but it seems this was not his day.

"Weren't we supposed to rescue the Inquisitor instead of getting ourselves captured?" Varric asked just to make sure that that was originally the plan.

So far, it turned out to be a shitty plan.

"Shite! This is full of prissy ass shite! I want out of this cell!" Sera shouted, pulling the bars with all her strength, not managing to tear it off.

"Quiet!" The Venatori shouted as he slammed the shield at the cell bars, making Sera stop.

Now. This would have been an epic tale if it weren't so embarrassing on the 'rescuer's' part.

Dorian remembered what happened this morning of how this whole chaos started out. Inquisitor Lavellan was off picking up herbs far off the camp after recruiting the Tevinter Mage–––because he could never say no. Each went away to a different direction to pick up herbs, but when Dorian went to check on him, he hid when he saw the Inquisitor was tied up by the Venatori. He was about to send a lightning tempest on all of them but Lavellan caught his eyes and shook his head just slightly.

It pained him not to do anything, so instead, he went after them, following close behind.

Once he traced them back to their hideout, he went running back to camp, getting Sera, Varric, and Bull. They went to go attack the Venatori.

…and they miserably lost.

Why?

"Well! This is just perfect! _Quaint!_ We came to rescue a certain elf, only to fail and get captured horribly. What fun!" Dorian cheerfully said, his tone and use of words just layered in sarcasm and frustration.

They were horrible at rescuing!

Worst part is… they don't see the Inquisitor anywhere. Where were the Venatori holding him?

Once the guard was far away for him to hear, the Iron Bull started, "We need to get the guard to leave so Varric can pick the lock."

"I got an idea. One of you piss in that bucket, and when he comes back, I'll toss the bucket at him and he'll be covered in piss, he'll leave!" Sera suggested, grinning mischievously at the idea.

"Ooooh! That's a good idea," Bull said as he got up, going to the bucket.

Dorian cringed with disgust. "Really?! Right next to us?!"

"Well, if you have a better idea––"

 _AAAHHHHH!_

 _STOP HIM––ACK!_

 _WAAAHH!_

Hope rose within the Tevinter mage when he heard all the screaming and shouting. Could it be?

 _STOP THAT ELF–ARGH!_

He escaped?!

The four companions waited in the cell with anticipation and hope rising as the screaming got worse. Soon, it became less and less. Then, it was silent. All was silent but the sound of footsteps that were coming into the dungeon.

Then, in came Inquisitor Lavellan with his giant axe resting on his shoulder.

He grinned a crooked, flashy grin at his companions. "Miss me?"

"Lavellan, you––! How?" Dorian could barely form sentences as he was just happy to see the elf alright.

"I guess they underestimated you, Boss," the Iron Bull said after dropping the bucket. Thank God, the Bull wasn't doing the plan anymore.

"Of course they would! So… this rescue mission… how was it?" He asked as that grin slowly turned to something so very mischievous–––in fact, he was teasing them. Dorian tried not to give him any ammunition. The elf was already as cocky and arrogant as the mage himself.

Sera let out a disgruntled response. "Awwh shite! Go ahead! Rub it on our faces, will ya!"

"I was only asking, Sera… was I not supposed to be the _damsel_ in distress?" The Inquisitor continued to tease them as he went to the cell door to unlock it with the key he got.

Varric scoffed. "You're too broad and lanky to be a damsel in distress, Inquisitor."

"Lanky? I prefer the term slender," Lavellan said, still grinning even after he unlocked the gate. He looked up at Bull and teased even more, "So… should I get a new bodyguard too?"

Bull let out a disgruntled noise at that. "Fine… It seems like tonight's drinks are all on me now."

"I'll pay too…" Varric offered.

Lavellan then finally laughed. "I'm sorry! I'm only teasing you two––oof!"

Sera punched him hard to the guts before stomping off, pissed. The warrior elf only laughed harder when she walked away. Dorian shook his head but then he became serious.

"Amatus… I forbid you to tell this story to anyone. Ever."

That mischievous smile widened. "Oh…? Forbid me? So I can't tell any of our friends? What about Harding?"

" _Amatus_." Dorian started to use a warning tone, but then the elf bolted into a run. The Tevinter mage chased after him.

Bull and Varric followed out and when they got out of the cave makeshift dungeon, Dorian had already tackled the Inquisitor into the ground, laughing and throwing empty yet hilarious threats at each other.

Sera was there standing outside the entrance, making a face. "They're disgusting…but disgustingly good together in a weird way."

Varric just smirked. "I'll quote you on that one."

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 **Sneak Peek of Next Chapter:**

 _Lavellan smirked. "You know... I might not be good at funny stories... but I'm certainly very good in scary stories."_

 _"Ohh? Let's hear it then, your Inquisitorialness."_


	2. Ghost Stories

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Dragon Age Series**

 **Summary: FUNNY! This is a collection of hilarious one-shot chapters for comedic purposes and experimental fluff. Chapters are random and has no timeline. DorianxM!Lavellan**

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 **Chapter 2: Ghost Stories**

Everyone was laughing around the campfire as Varric finished one of his good old stories. It was always entertaining to hear stories of Garret Hawke––the man charms and a sarcastic tone.

"Hahahaha! He did that to the dragon?" Blackwall asked, chuckling still.

Sera was giggling uncontrollably. "He actually shot an _ice bolt_ into a dragon's arse?!"

"That is very… _impressive_ of the Champion, even if a little unorthodox." Vivienne noted.

"Yep. That's our Hawke." Varric said proudly.

Lavellan laughed as well. "Hahahha! Oh Varric, that is gold! Why didn't you put it in the book?"

Varric shrugged. "Not many people will believe it."

"From what we go through, I think I'll believe anything from now on," The Inquisitor said. "You have a large collection of stories, Varric. Very good ones."

"Do you have one to tell, Inquisitor?" Blackwall asked, wanting one more story before he would turn in for the night.

"Me? I couldn't compete…"

"So you do? Come on let's hear it!" the dwarf merchant urged him. They haven't heard him tell any story before. Other than knowing he's Dalish, his previous life is a mystery to them.

"Oh I couldn't… besides you all might regret it."

Vivienne scoffed a bit, now wanting to hear this story. "How so? Just tell the story, dear."

"Go for it, Shiny!"

Then Lavellan smirked. "You know… I might not be good at funny stories…but I'm certainly very good in scary stories."

Scary stories? That gave Sera a pause but it was too late as Varric said to him,

"Ohh? Let's hear it then, your Inquisitorialness!"

Lavellan's smirk only widened. Sera and Blackwall already immediately regretted that they had asked him.

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Dorian was walking down the open hallway. He heard the Inquisitor came home last night so he wanted to see him today. He went into another and then––

 _BLAST!_

The Tevinter mage leaped away as the rat scurrying around was frozen to death by Vivienne.

"ARGH! Annoying pest!" She cried out a bit. Dorian looked at her, outstanding, since he had never seen her…lose her cool. In fact, there were really dark circles under her eyes. She wasn't wearing any make–up either.

"Everything well?"

"Everything's _fine_." She snapped a bit. She's usually more reserved in the morning.

"Imperial Enchanter, I know we're not friends but is there something bothering you?"

"No."

"…Alright. Well, I'll be off then. Someone else would need my presence." Dorian said as he walked away, only to hear her mumble curses on Lavellan. What did his lover do?

He went downstairs and he saw Varric sitting down and writing a letter. He went up to him.

"Varric––"

"Geez!" Upon the greeting, Varric jolted out of fright, spilling the ink all over the paper. "Ugh… damn it, Sparkler."

"Oh Varric I didn't mean to–––why so jumpy?" Dorian asked as he tried to see if he could help.

Nope. Paper is covered in black ink.

"The story got to me, I suppose," He answered as he tried to clean up the mess with a rag he had with him, just in case.

"…Story? What story?"

"The Inquisitor knows some good stories. Unfortunately, they're scary stories… Really, terrifying stories." Varric looked really bothered and really disheveled.

Lavellan knows scary stories? Huh. He should ask what he had told them. "I see… it must have been some story. Have you checked the mirror lately? You look really awful."

Varric groaned. "Ugh, don't remind me about the mirror."

"Okay…Why not?"

The Tevinter magister didn't get an answer when they started hearing smashes of what sounded like glass outside. Dorian rushed out to see what was happening…

Sure enough, there was Sera throwing mirrors––all big and small––to the ground and Blackwall uncharacteristically was smashing them with his giant foot. Seeing the lying booze bottles, they looked pretty hangover.

The guards around intervened, grabbing them to get them to stop.

Off the side, there was Cassandra, Cullen, and Lavellan arguing with each other. It seemed…

Dorian hurried over to them, and heard their conversation.

"You told them a what!?" Cassandra snarled.

"A scary story! I didn't know it would affect them so much!" Lavellan said, raising his hands defensively. "And besides, it's only a story… Want to hear it?"

"No. Seeing those two, I don't need any more nightmares," Cullen said, shaking his head.

"Does this story have anything do with…mirrors?" Dorian asked. Is that why Vivienne's not wearing anything makeup and Varric looked like a mess? They couldn't fix themselves because they don't want to look at a mirror?

Lavellan turned to him and he smiled a smirk. "Yes… did you want to know, love?"

Oh no. That smirk.

Cullen and Cassandra immediately walked away, leaving the mage behind.

"…Nope. I'll be on my way now––"

"It's about a woman named bloody Carrie––"

"Lavellan!" Dorian started running around and Lavellan chased after him.

They were dolts.

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 **Sneak Peek of Next Chapter:**

" _You're sick…"_

" _Yes."_


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